Tuesday Afternoons
by Nicole-ahh
Summary: Sakura is thrown into a world of little mercy & complete & utter chaos.She has to accept these things if she wishes to continue her life on this earth, as cruel as it may be
1. I hurt myself so you can't

_Lost in the dark? Bring a flash light_

Chapter 1 I hurt myself so you can't

_His hand is resting lightly on my cheek and i can feel his breath on my skin, Brad Pitt in in my living room. _

BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I groan, always, always when i get to the good part of the dream the alarm clock goes off! I burry my head underneith my pillow and feel around for the snooze button on my clock, it's a morning ritual to knock over my lamp along with a few half full glasess of water before i actually find the correct button. This morning is no acception.

The room grows silent, and i can feel my body losen, five more minutes would be lovly. Actually, i feel as though it's already been five more mintues, even though i will never get to kiss Brad Pitt, a little longer in bed makes up for it.

I peak up from under my 4 blankets and 6 pillows that fill my big queen sized bed. My hello kitty clock is blinking _7:34 _wrestle with the layers of warmth for a while, attempting to surface. Once i do i am greeted by a bright burst of light coming through my window, and i know that weather i like it or not, the day is greeting me. And i mine as well greet it back.

My feet press lightly on the cold hard wood floor as i enter my small yellow bath room, i start the shower, hoping that i don't wake my father. He worked late last night, then again, he works late every night. He leaves for work half hour after i leave for school, so i never see him. Come to think of it, the last time i talked to him was on the phone half a month ago, when i was buying grocheries.

On occasion i see his sleeping body, when i peak through his cracked open bed room door but other than that we have no contact. That's fine though, i supose i have Tomoyo, but often she doesn't seem like enough. I still feel like thier's an empty void in my life, maybe it's not my father, actually i know it's not him. I some times think it's my mother, the empty void. But just partly.

And so then i think, if i don't know what the void is, then there really isn't a void or an emptyness. That it's just me, feeling horrably alone and cold and bitter all at the same time.

Even though the shower's steam is intesnse on my back, i still feel cold. God, im more fucked up than that guy who can eat metal.

The shower water is getting less and less warm, so i turn the foset until it stops spraying. My long shoulder length aburn hair drips down my back, and i twist it tightly, letting all the excess water trickle out. I wrap a towel around my body and stand, staring into the mirror. I see nothingness. Just like every other morning, and today just like with the spilt water and knocked over lamp, is no differance.

I take my long slender finger, it's nail is painted with black polish color, and write words on the mirror. I trace over where i wrote the same phrase yesterday, and the day before that and all the other days since i was old enough to realize what a cruel and unfair place the world is. "_I hurt myself so you can't."_

I never knew who that person was, but it was always some one. Always a guy wanting something i didn't have, always a friend expecting things that i don't want to do. It's always something, day after day week after week. I live the same day over and over again.

Creeping out into the hall, i try hard not to make any noise as i re-enter my room. The alarm clock has gone off again, this time it's playing really soft alternative music. I try to dress quickly, i don't have alot of clothes trama's, im a fairly trendy person with my own little bit of flair in what i wear.

Like today for example. I picked out a black dress with thin little straps, and white daisys, undernieth is a thick strapped white tank top so no one see's anything they shouldn't. Undernieth i have a cute pair of tight, clingy black spandex leggings, they end half way up my shins. I have a slender figure, with a the perfect size of curves for my small, 'ballerina' body.

I glance at the clock, it's 8:10, i should really be going. I quickly side braid my wet hair, it will dry soft and flat, thank God i got good morning hair. I couldn't imagine trying to do it every morning, now that would be the death of me!

The kitchen is filled with memories of what our family was before my mother died, before my brother went away. I hate sitting in it, eating in it, doing anything in it. This was always the one place we were all together, i use to love helping my mother prepear food. But that's dead now, along with my mother and all former ways.

Instead of eating real things, i intake foods such as pop tarts (like i have found in my hand right now) and frozen TV dinners. Actually, i rarly ever eat any more. A pop tart in the morning, maybe one of the those fruit loops cerial bars, some times a fruit salad. But i find that i forget about eating, i forget about alot of things. I just sort of am, i put on a smile and drown out the pain with loud music and cute boys, a few parties and a couple doeses of coke every once and a while.

My roller blades are already strapped on my feet, and i am out the door, munching down gingerly on my blueberry pop tart. Some times i get trapped in my own thoughts, my own little alternat universe, and i forget what's going on around me.

Tomoyo usually walks with me to school, meets me half way, but she is currently visiting her mother in London for the month. So i am truly and completly alone, sure there's Rika and her little clan. But their nothing to me, i walk with them down the hall and look pretty. That's all, nothing more.

The day is seeminly perfect, the fresh spring air drys my hair and the tears that are forming in my eyes. For once it's not a rush to get to scool, but a journey. I pass people and they pass me, the ones from school smile and wave , im Sakura for God sakes!

I wizz past the members of _The Journey_. They kind of scare me, but i have never had any problems with them so there's really no need to become intertwined with thier little group. Then again, it is more than a group. Every one knows it. The only thing is, every one is to afraid to talk about it.

And besides, the people that are in the gang, the guys (and a few girls) that go to our school are lowly scumb. Thier just starting out, their the uberness of nothing.

I arrive at the school ten minuites before the bell rings, this way i have time to walk down the hall with 'the girls' and intimidate the fat girs and freshmen. As wrong as it is, i can't let any one know that i should be the one intimidated not the one intimidating.

School is going to be over in a few months, thank God. I am getting so sick of it, and all the bagage that comes along with it! Mostly just this one guy, he's the latest version of "ass hole 300." Sayoran Li, he's the most gourgous person i have ever layed eyes on, but his heart is cold and he's the biggest player and bastard i have ever met.

Come to think of it, he reminds me alot of myself. He's the male version of me. But i would never admit that out loud, that would get me a good talking to from itleast 5 of the girls. That's why i keep my mouth shut and everything trapped inside, and when i let them out of that dark encompessment, everything comes out in drops of scarlett and crimson.

I have found myself inside the school, roller blades already inside my locker, my harley davidson lace up shin boots already tied to my feet. I have also managed to find my 'group' with little effort. I am walking down the hall with the pretty people. The people i pretend to be friends with. This is my life, a great big lie. I look at my peers and they look back at me. They see a perfect happy girl, some one who is amazingly lucky a woman that they envy. And i look back at them, longing for some one to save me from this eternity of suffering and lies.

But we all know that things like that don't happen. There are no such things as happy endings, there is just hurt. And that is why i hurt myself, so no one else can.

_Lost in the dark? Bring a flash light_


	2. Just like me

_You can't hide beautiful, _

_you can't hide wonderful_

Chapter 2 Just like me

The sun has always been a strange thing for me, and i am often looked at strangly when i attempt to explain myself and the small theory i have of it. I just wonder why it is, the fact that the sun goes away when we are most scared. The time in the night when we seem to be completly lost and alone, there is no light or guidance to lead us through.

And plus, as blond as this might sound, the sun always comes up when im trying to sleep! So really, it's in my presance at all the wrong times!

Often, when i am sitting in chem staring lifelessly out the window i come up with thoughts like this. It's on a regular occasion and i do some of my best thinking while Miss. Hitino is blabering on, and only God knows what she's talking about! I copy most of the notes off Tomoyo, i can study but can't despise the lessons.

This thought always strikes a cord inside my mind (the sun), but right now i am shoved out my own little dibate with myself because the bell has rang. It's time to go leave this school, i can't wait for Tomoyo. It's already been too long, too long since the first day she had left when i wore my pretty black daisy dress. To long since i had my last ciggeret this morning and to long since i was lulled by the quick fix of meaningless sex.

Everything around me is slowly crumbling, i can't say i didn't warn myself. But with my best friend gone, it's been hard for me to keep my composure and really put on the act. Every one is seeing slowly through it, and now they are begining to get a glimps of the real Sakura.

I wish i could still see the real Sakura. I don't know her any more, then again, i wonder if i ever really truly knew her in the first place.

Rika is talking one hundered miles a minute when she catches up with me in the hall, 'our' friends are behind us, listening in contently. I smile fakely and nod my head every once in a while until she finishes with a huge grin. I manage to get a few words as she say's her good bys, "I can't believe that he got kicked out of school. Any way, i should get going i have to catch the bus." She smiles brightly, and it hurts my eyes, she waves and walks away. I reply with a lifeless "Ja!" and she is gone. Leaving me standing alone in the slowly deteriorating corridor.

Glancing over my shoulder, i make sure that no one is watching and i dart for the door that leads out side from the band room. No one is supose to use it, but right about now Mr. Galianta is going to have his egg salad sandwitch with brown bread, and isn't in his class room just just like every other day. The door that leads out is a short cut straight to the garbage can where i know i can bum a ciggeret off a random person walking past.

I push the door open, and the afternoon sun hits me like a hang over after only three hours of sleep. I squint my eyes, and pull my oversized thick white rimmed sunglassess to shade me from the sun. I glance around, there's no one here, it is Friday i supose. Every one has gone to meet their dealers or go to a pre-party before the party and the after party.

But i do hear some sort of human signs, around the corner, a small enclosed ally way that use to be part of the school but was torn out and made into a spot where student council promised picknick tables. So far, all there is, is old needles and condoam rappers. Some student council we-

My mind shuts off as i peek around the corner, i hear intense yelling, shouting, it sounds bitter and cold. Then i hear another person, in a squeeky voice begging, i manage to get a quick picture of him in my mind on his knees grabbing some ones feet.

I listen closley as the four people in the back go on about thier buisness. "Who sent you?" "I-i can't tell-" he's cut of and i hear a hard thump and a wimper following shortly. "It was, it was part of the Dragon flys. I didn't get the orders directly they were just handed down."

This is to crazy, i hear some more whimpering and alot of swearing, and then some crying. And then it shocks me, the man who was on the ground is up and running so fast me i think he should be on the track team. I can't help but let out a small squeek, and i know that is the end of me.

Two men come out from the shadows and grab me by the arms, pulling me into the small enclosed space that the member of the Dragon Flys had just been beaten in. I glare darts at the two men, one is short and ugly with dark hair, kind of old with a big build and a mustash that needs to be trimmed. The other isn't half as bad looking, but not pretty either. He has long black hair that is braided all the way down his back, and very Asian features. The older man is much more rough than the younger one, the only differance is the younger man won't look into my eyes.

At first i struggle, but when they release me and i drop to my knees, i am now at the feet of a man. A real man, one with great power and great looks and great responsibility. Sayoran Li. He is romered by few to be part of the Journey, but it's never been actually proven...hey what is he doing here? He's just been kicked out of school.

"What do you think your doing Princess?" He hisses, grabbing hold of my wrist and yanking me to my feet. I stand looking him up and down, hands on hips, eye brow raised. I will not let him make me feel inferior, even if he would kill me right here on the spot.

I only shrug my shoulders, and then cross my arms standing there very hostile and with alot of attitude. "I think the real question here is what your doing here beating up people with some grose guys that don't shower. I mean really-" he cuts me off my putting his hand tightly over my mouth, i try to continue talking but he pressess it there with little force until i stop my rude chattering and let him speak.

His voice is cold and has no emotion what so ever, probably what i sound like. "You know to much." It's a simple sentance that could mean anything, but it doesnt mean just anything to me. I know exactly what it means, and it means eveything inside my pretty little head will be blown clean out blood guts and all.

Gulping down, i stare hard at him, not letting him see the fear in my eyes. I can hide it well, all my emotions and feelings; and i think for a while he is fooled. "You have three choices-" he pauses and waits for me to losen my body, which i do. I am some what relieved that there is a decishon.

"You may fight one of the members of the Journey that are rooted here in Japan, you may kill an assasin of our rival gang The Dragon Flys or you may 'pleasure' one of the male members." My jaw drops, he's letting me live? But at what price? I could die doing the first two tasks, and the third i would lose what very little dignity i have left.

I stare long and hard into his sad and distant golden eyes, and i sight. "This means im inishiated, does it not?" I know that's what it means, i was a Freshmen once i know what it's like to become inishiated.

He nods, slightly belittiling me. "Or, you lose your life." My mind is racing, i got sucked into this much faster than anything in my whole entire life. Then again, a black whole did just come and swallow my heart when my mother died, taking everything that ment anything with it.

The world of gangs and sex and killing is not far from what i am living right now, i really have no choice. "Come with me," whispers Sayoran, blinking once or twice. I only nod my head, i don't want to seem like a child to him. But God knows i feel like one.

I just want to get down on the cold hard dirty pavment and cry until i can't cry any longer. But instead, i sit on the back of his motercycle, watching as i drift further and further away from the little comfort and home i had left.

**XXX**

I always knew that Sayoran was rich, then again im considered rich too. Compaired to the newest member of my life i have absolutly no money, no material possions. It's like making Paris HIlton stand next to The Veronica's.

We drove for about ten minuites to the out skirts of town, places that i would never even dared to go half hour before. I excpected it to be all gangster and grubby, but it's some what breath taking. Beautiful gardens of different color daisys (i know ironic) surround the main entrance, it's held up by two huge white pillars. It reminds me kind of England, like the Queens house. With the big gold gates at the front and the small gardens and path ways bending and twisting around the house.

Sayoran parks inside a small garage that's detatched from the large mansion, and we walk up a large flight of stairs after exiting the garage. My heart stopped pounding and trying to escape my chest about five minuites ago, im not dead yet so that's a good sign i supose. It probably would have been harder, and alot more nerve racking if Sayoran or the other four men with him had tried speaking with me. But it's almost as if im invisable, or some kind of rag doll. That's all right though, it suites me just fine!

I follow behind Sayoran and the four men seem to disapear as soon as we enter the huge oak door, it slams tight behind me and i shake a small amount. That is until i see what's going on around me, and something inside me changes towards the group that i have convinced myself 'kidnapped' me.

The room i am standing in is completly open, only two long corridors shoot out to the right and left of me. Then facing directly in front of me, is like one great big common room. A huge big screen TV is playing hockey, there's a pinball machine and a foseball table, there's even one of those gum ball machines. Then to the left of all the comoiton is a long banquet table, there are a few people eating so it seems to me like it's a come and go meal plan.

There's a whole bunch of different colored bean bag squishy chairs through out the room, people making out in them, people sleeping in them a few people even reading in them. It reminds me a bit of school, when we're all on our break and we just kind of lounge around being lazy teenagers. (Something we all must do once in a while!)

I don't like the sudden fact that i am starting to feel at ease with Sayoran in front of me. I liked it better before when i was hostile and wanted to snip off his balls, but now i feel like he's a real human being. That's called weakness, something i don't like feeling.

Through all my mixed emotions, i manage to find a voice. It's quiet and cracked at first and i thank God for the loud people drowning it's shaky tone out. "Wha-what are we doing next?" He swings his head back and glares at me, i stick out my tong but he doesn't see it, unless he has eyes in the back of his head that is.

We walk to the end of the room, people staring at us as we go. I hear some whispers and i really don't like what thier about. "Maybe she's one of his _girlfriends_" "It could be a hooker" "No, no, no! It's most likely a DragonFly member..." I gulp down air, looking down at my shin high lace up boots, im glad i didn't wear the 'cute' dress i had picked out for today. They porbably would have thrown things at me and laughed me out of the house.

Sayoran leads me through a door i didn't see at first, through that door is a long twisting stair case, i climb it with no objections. That is until we get to the top, my heart goes into over time when i see the two large black men dressed in navy blue attire, holding big fucking ass guns! We walk clear past them and they don't shoot me, which is a good sign.

He opens a door, it has no windows or glass like the other ones, all i can think about is him cutting my eyes out with those little manicure sissors my mother always use to have in the nail polish basket. The picture of spraying blood fills my head as we enter the room and he pushes me into a lumpy green chair in front of a desk, and goes to another side.

"This is way to much like the God father" i mutter, he hears me but only roles his eyes. "All your things will be moved into a room here. On the conditions that you are still in school, it is manditory that you do not live with your family." I can't help but snort and he looks at me annoyed. "Do you care to elaborate?" I only shrug, not wanting to get into detail, so he continues.

"Before your things get moved in here, you must first become inishiated. Did you think of what task would suit you best?" It's my turn to roll my eyes, and i sigh heavily. I know Sayoran is waiting for an answer even a simple yes or no, but i don't like him very much and i don't want to strain my voice box. Imiture, yes, bitchy, no.

I watch as he arches his eye brow and then groans, "Fine, fine. You can have until the end of the day to decide. I will get you set up with some one to show you around. Probably my cousin." I stand and turn on my heal, stomping out of the room past the gaurds. I hear him call over my shoulder, "Wait at the banquet table she'll be there in less than-" i can't hear him finish because i am already down the stairs to pissed off to hear the things that every one is saying behind my back.

What the hell kind of fuck up have i gotten myself into? It's a gang that has an imature and leadership skill retarted 'master,' and a common room that seems as though it should belond in a book club instead of a gang. None of this makes scense to me. Every one seems so normal, how can they go about killing people having wild sex and enjecting heroin night.

And then it comes to me. Not quickly, like a bus hitting me or anything. More slowly, as i sit down in one of the old wooden chairs waiting for Li's cousin.

These people live behind a mask, probably numuros masks, who knows. They are just like me. Walking, wondering, scared and lost. Hiding and pretending to be some one thier not, because it's just easier than actually putting up a real fight for selfhood or individuality.

_You can't hide beautiful, _

_you can't hide wonderful_


End file.
